My "Flowers" were violated, is it better now?

Garden alive





Pansies are planted, smiling at me


Impatiens are waiting...


Hear them whining?


"HEY! We wanna be first!"





Bright red cockscomb flaunting its plumage


Snaps of white stand proud


Electric blue lobelia sings


The "God Bless America" song





Go-go orange begonias boogie


Showing off their brilliance


Sweet allysum, wallflower


Stands by tiny, smelling pretty





Petunias and dianthus pink


Flirting frilly petals


Vying for all eyes on them


Thinking they're the prettiest





Gazania is the stubborn one


Spiked stipes of yellow and orange


Will only put on an open show


With sun's rays exclusively on it

My "Flowers" were violated, is it better now?
Why would anyone want to violate such lovely flowers, planted in such a beautiful poem? I like the way your personify the petunias and dianthus: "thinking they're the prettiest" and the gazania: "the stubborn one."
Reply:Well, I have no botanical knowledge, but I do have some poetical knowledge, and just let me say that you have blown this out of the park. The rewrite has a little more of a dancing flow then the first, but all throughout both of them I could see the flowers smiling, the vibrant personalities matching the vibrant colors. You know how to bring a garden to life, in both senses.
Reply:Violated? Deleted?





I love walking thru a flower garden...and that's exactly what I'm doing now, with the help of this wonderful poem...the birds are on the paths too, singing. No sun, but flowers are just as beautiful without it...Good Morning!
Reply:Gazania is the stubborn one, not liking the prairie at all. I had some luck with them in pots. Gaillardia (Indian Blanket Flower) is wild in Oklahoma. I had a nice patch that were perennial in Northern Missouri.
Reply:Wow, you've worked and reworked it!!! I think it's great....stop working on it!!!! It's fine the way it is!!!! You've brought it to life and it is like a garden to my eyes, I can see each flower like it is before me in bold color and bloom!!!! Your talent astounds me!!!
Reply:Thanks for re-posting! :)
Reply:I could feel it and smell each bloom thanks....
Reply:Great concept..good language..nice rhymes...very sweet poem. Move on trying.
Reply:Reenie, I am honored by the go-go reference to orange. What strange effects I have on many! lol





To give you a look at your words in a different light I have taken the liberty of rewriting some of them. I usually try to tighten lines by keeping beats somewhat close. Sometimes one also needs transition words to help flow. Is it better than yours? No. It is just my interpretation.





Pansies are planted, smiling


Impatiens are waiting...


Hear them whining?


"HEY! We wanna be first!"





Red cockscomb flaunting plumage


Snaps of white stand proud


while electric blue lobelia


sing "God Bless America"





Go-go orangey begonias boogie


Showing off their brilliance


as sweet allysum and wallflowers


stand by, smelling pretty





Petunias and dianthus pink


Flirting frilly fluttering arms


Vying for all eyes to see


”Yes! We are the prettiest”





Gazania is the stubborn one


spiked stipes of yellow orange


will only put on an open show


when sun's rays, directly on








Keep working on the flow and beat. Flowers need food and water to blossom full, add some more to this to make it show ready. This is a keeper though

treatments